Activation: Part 3

Note: Copied from another mass e-mail...

I just got it "upped" last Friday. I always need a few days to adjust before I can write about it. It's really hard to describe my new hearing. It's only been a good six weeks since I've been "activated" yet it consumes so much of my energy. Before having the implant, I was so exhausted just from trying to communicate with people---my hearing was so bad that I really had to squint to hear---pay close attention to what a person was saying and because I couldn't hear myself, I spoke louder than I needed to---another way to lose energy. Now, that tiredness is gone--but I do have a different kind of tiredness--it's from the overwhelming amount of sounds that I hear daily. But, it's takes a good year to fully use the implant. It seems hard to believe because I always think that what I'm hearing at the moment is a much bigger improvement than just a few months ago.

It's hard to imagine that there will come a day where I won't have to always lip read---I do so now because the sounds of voices are new and I'm still trying to get used to it---and will be able to communicate better on the phone. I probably don't talk on the phone as much as I should---there's still some insecurity--and I worry that someone will say, "You're still not not hearing on the phone so it must not be working..." the pressure is probably coming more from me than anyone else. Still, in due time, I know I will be brave enough to talk on the phone.

Ok---what's the biggest change? Birds. They're singing before the world wakes up. I had always heard tweets---but they all sounded the same to me. I had absolutely no idea that each bird has its own song---it's own pitch, melody, frequency. I must look like a crazy woman standing outside so early in the morning just staring at the trees. I'm just in awe of the sounds---not only that, there could be as many as three different birds singing yet, they create they create harmonious music when all sung at the same time. It's really quite a miracle that there's a world of music naturally made. I now have deeper appreciation for my grandparents for they are bird lovers. Next time I see them, I will stand in the middle holding each one by the arms and have them point out each sound the bird makes. I really would love to learn which bird is making which song.

The biggest pet peeve? Cars and motorcycles. God, how they are noisy! I can only imagine what it must be like for cats. They flatten their ears all the way to the back of their head, their eyes become slanted when they hear very loud noises. Every time a car passes me by while driving, I swear, I wish I could turn my ears to the back of my head to lessen that awful noise. Yet, the irony here is that they sounds of birds make me respect nature more and makes me more angry at mankind---for the first time, I'm really noticing that much of the awful noise comes from mankind.

Music---oh how I really love music. As a child (secretly, even now) I would watch my father close his eyes and strum his fingers in the air and just go so deep inward as he would listen to jazz. I would find it so beautiful that a person can get so enraptured into music--now I can see why. I want to listen to music all the time---I now find myself closing my eyes, moving my fingers with the beat and letting it carry me away. It really gets more beautiful each day. Interestingly enough, BFH (Before Hearing) I would go to dance clubs and sit. I would sit because I loved the feeling of the bass strumming through my whole body---if I danced, I couldn't feel the music, so dancing wasn't fun. Now that I can hear the music (sadly though, I don't feel is as much. I guess I can't have both) and it makes me want to move my body---I often find myself energized and dance around the house. It feels so good to dance with music and not have to guess what beat I should be dancing to.

Ok, my daughter? Oh yes, I still love her. She has learned to lower her voice tremendously after being told repeatedly (with a lot of effort not to scream at her as a reaction to her high pitch whining), tell her, "Mommy has a new kind of hearing and you don't have to yell anymore." But the amount of times she says, "Mommy" can rub my nerves raw---and yes, I realize that is something that I will have to live with for life because, simply, it's my name. Right?

I also find myself more patience with my students--because I can now understand them, and not a lot of energy is wasted on trying to communicate with them. Really, looking back, I"m amazed at how I survived the hearing world, yet alone teaching at all.

Ok, lastly, but not least, last Friday, I was given more "hertz" where---ooh, this is hard..I can only thing of one analogy: your TV. You think it's fine. You don't really notice or thinking that they quality could be better UNTIL you've seen a plasma TV. Once you've seen and heard from them---you really realize how shitty your TV sounds and how unclear your screen is. My point is that before last Friday, I thought I was hearing a great deal and couldn't imagine that It could possibly be clearer. My lovely audiologist performed some magic and now I"m hearing things with more clarity. It wounds even more crisp and not as obnoxious (though I didn't think it was obnoxious prior to Friday--just like you probably loved you TV until you saw a plasma TV, right?

Activation: Part 2

This was sent via mass e-mail:

It's been a good two weeks since I've been activated. I can't believe the amazing changes that have happened in such a short period of time. When the "processor" was first activated, the sounds were overwhelming---it sounded like walking into a video arcade (loud and constant). There was a day that I was actually angry at God (never directed anger at him before!) and asked him what the purpose of all these sounds were--why would he make it difficult for people to escape noise? Were all those sounds necessary? The dripping of a faucet, the water boiling in the pot, people talking loudly outside my house--so new and so much. Now, I've reached the point where those sounds are recognizable and my brain has to learn how to filter them out. The brain is really quite amazing---it adapts to changes so quickly. I just had my second "mapping" yesterday in which the audiologist upped the sounds and them rounder--meaning instead of voices sounding like whispers, they sound real and more accurate. I really love what I hear now, even more so. I love that I'm not asking people to repeat as much---in fact, I just had my first phone conversation with my dad where he gave me a credit card number over the phone (which a allowed me to quickly order plane tickets while they were still cheap!) I felt so free not having to rely on someone to talk on the phone for me---this was true independence.

In addition, I can now hear the kindness in people's voices. That's absolutely new to me. I was also understand one of my student who has a very heavy Israeli accent--not only that, I hear how to pronounce her name and now can say it correctly (it's funny,so many people mispronounce her name and I have to work really hard on not correcting them). I have also heard laughter and how beautiful that sounds---I didn't realize how much it comes from the heart--I mean, I can really hear it.

I was told by my audiologist that I may not like music. Hmmmmm...well, I did a test with one of my favorite tape and fell in love with the music. It only sounded better than before, I also noticed instruments that I had never heard before---and had no idea what it is. I feel like going back to music class where they taught you the sound of all the instruments.

The drawbacks are: for the first time, (as much as I love my daughter, I have to say this...)I didn't realize how much she whines---I never heard it before. I told some mothers that and they laughed saying that was normal and said, "Welcome to the real world!" Elyza had made interesting accommodations withe her voice where she would yell, "Mommy!" really loudly---and now that sound makes me feel like a cat whose hair is standing on ends. I'm working with her on lowering her voice. It's really interesting to hear the difference between a man and woman's voice as well as a child and adult's as well. I'm still having trouble with a crowd of people talking or even talking one on one when there's a lot of noise---the audiologist explained to me that there will come a day when the everyday noise will fade in the background and the speech will in in the front. As my cousin Robin says, "Keep your eye on the prize." That's exactly what I'm doing.

Activation: Part I

After the surgery, I had to wait two weeks for the swelling to go down before getting "activated." My father and sister had decided to come join me in the celebration. I had walked in the doctor's office with such confidence--just feeling like nothing would go wrong.

Before having my processor activated, the audiologist showed me piece by piece what each part of the processor did. She explained exactly how to use the little computer---seriously, step by step, I thought she would never turn on the sounds that I had been so anxiously waiting for. Alas, the moment had come.

As soon as the sound had come on, it was like I had suddenly been shifted into another world. My heart was beating very quickly, my breathing became labored and I really thought I had made a mistake! A very big mistake, I slouched down in my chair, wanting so badly to curl into a fetus position. Ah, the noise! The godawful noise! What was all this whirring, click clacking, pshh pshhing of a sound? So many different sounds coming from so many different places---all different tones, melodies, none really belong to the other. Tears were pouring out my eyes--I slowly looked up at my father--oh that look in his eyes, that helpless look, you could see that he wanted to take my fear away. And, my sister, immediately jumped to her feet and hugged me. I was so numbed that I didn't feel anything.

"Amy, look at me. It's all going to be okay in just a few minutes. I promise. Start talking...baaa baaa...baaaa...say it...." she looked at me in the eyes with a very confident smile. It was all happening in such a slow motion. I repeated after her, feeling silly, not at all liking the way I sounded.

It was like somewhat like a pin-ball machines where the noise was constant and sounds were darting all over the place. I had wondered why I ever wanted to hear in the first place. Apparently, the sounds are sounds that were always there but I had never heard it. And it didn't help that my nerves were in shock and were trying figure out how to make the best use of the sounds. So, in order not to overwhelm me even more so, they programmed the "processor" to focus on softer and lower sounds and will gradually up the sound and eventually it will become clearer and clearer as time goes on. However, I was not enjoying it at the moment, I heard things I hadn't heard in awhile such as the blinker in the car and the tea kettle, and so on.

Here goes...

Here's a bit of the scoop:

• Three years ago, I got the cochlear implant in my right ear.
• Talk about magical changes (will give more information on the later).
• The audiologist at the time explained to me that there will come a point where I think my hearing has "plateaued" and I will want "more." Had no idea what she was talking about because each time I would go in to "up" the sounds with my processor, I thought it was terrific and couldn't get any better.
• Well, three years later, the time has come, I want more! So, here's where I'll start documenting the whole experience of getting my left ear done.

Shall I start at the beginning with the other ear?

I had spent about a total of 8 weeks in Costa Rica. I often found myself quite frustrated not being able to really hear the Spanish language. I had no trouble speaking it, reading it, or heck, even memorizing the language---but hearing! It was almost virtually impossible (I mean, I heard it, but couldn't decipher the words). It was a pretty yucky feeling because I knew that I was so close to being bilingual---but just couldn't quite get there. That was the moment that I decided, it was time for me to get the other ear done.

As soon as I returned to the U.S. I called my beloved Kaiser. It was quite a discouraging experience--almost to the point of me not wanting to go through the procedure. It went like this:

Me. Hello! I have a cochlear implant in my right ear and would like to get the other ear done.

Kaiser (K): Ok, first we would need for you to come in and get your hearing tested. Do you wear a hearing aid in the other ear?

Me: No, I was told that I didn't need to.

K: Well, then, you'll have to get a loaner.

Me: Why? I cannot hear in the other ear at all! There's virtually no hearing in there. I can give you the copy of the records to show you.

K: How old is the record?

Me: Three years.

K: Too old. We need a more updated one.

Me (thinking to myself): I have never gained hearing, ever, in fact, if anything, I lose them. Also, my left ear has always been the "bad" ear where I've never really had any clarity of any sort. Never spoke on the phone with that ear.

Me: Ok, fine, I'll get the loaner hearing aid.

K: Oh, that'll be an additional $50.

Me. What? You want me to pay for something I'm not going to keep? Something that I know very well will not be of any use for me?

K: Yes, ma'am. And, oh, the ear mold too. That'll cost another $35.

Me: I'm not paying for that.

K: Oh, wait, we can find some universal one that will fit you.

Me. Please do.

That conversation was tiring---not only do I have to pay for something that I don't need, I'm also required to come back a month after receiving the hearing aid for a second testing! It's a lot of work.