Day 9: A Boy Rips One Today

I was giving accommodations to four students who were in third grade for a Language Arts assessments today.  All is quiet.  You can see the seriousness in the eyes of the students~ their brow furrows as they are reading the words.  Rrrriiiipppp.  A boy lets out a very loud one.  The girls look up with shocked look on their faces~ they look at one another~ and try ever so hard not to laugh.  They let out pig squeals~ and I give them evil eye.  They quickly look back on their assessment~ not able to concentrate for a few more minutes.

Prior to getting the cochlear implants, I never heard a fart!  Ever!  It would seem so weird that life would be going about in it's own way and then as soon as someone rips one, they whole world seems to freeze for a second and start giggling.  I would have to ask what was so funny~ and they'd tell me~ and I'd have to just grin because I didn't hear it.  Maybe smell it.

Now with my new found hearing, I find it amusing that it's actually loud.  I do wonder how I never heard it before.  And, what's even more amusing to me is why people think it's funny.  Yes, I hear it, but I don't find myself giggling.  I find it rather odd that someone would just let it out so easily rather than holding it in~ and be okay with people laughing at them.  Life is so strange sometimes.

Day 8: These Damn Cars

Seriously, cars are noisy.  Ugly noisy.
I have a car that is a year old~ and it drives pretty smoothly (or at least it should).  But, when I push that button that automatically rolls down the window~ there's a very awful, low and slow ruuummmm ruuuummmm that is constant.  It gets louder when it slows down at a stoplight and has a different kind of loud when it speeds up.  Then you hear every zoom of the car that passes you by.  I hear it from a short distance away, then as it creeps up to me, the rude blaring hum (really, I can't describe it) overtakes every other noise and then it fades away like a mean joke.

Having the window rolled down brings on this sudden sounds that is so different from when the windows are up.  It sounds so heavy~ so very heavy and then somehow I feel the weight of it, like I'm being pushed right down to the hot, sticky asphalt.  Then I start to worry, "Is that sound normal?  I can't tell if that's how a 'healthy' car sounds...(then a series of paranoia follows) it better be a normal sound even though I think it sounds god-awful...if it's not, sh*t, it's going to cost a lot of money to fix it...but really, it's a new car, there shouldn't be anything wrong with it..."

Is there a "dislike" button that I can push with this  obnoxious sound?

Enough with that sound!
Off with the hearing processor!
Within seconds, a floating feeling overcomes me, the car is now gently sailing smooth seas.  I am quickly aware of the beauty of a busy street~ people are walking obliviously in their own world, the spring sun shines it's yellow rays,  and the colors of the flowers on the trees are blossoming.  I hadn't noticed any of this until I silenced my world.  Zip, in a matter of seconds.

Day 7: Amen to Music

Music seems to have always have a magical effect on people.  A person may hear one beat of a song that has just started on the radio and exclaim, "Oooh, I just LOVE this song!"  And, she would suddenly ignore everything around her and start singing and moving right along with the beat.  I've always been amazed that a person can quickly become enraptured within the first beat of a song she loves.  First of all, I didn't even hear the first beat.  Secondly, if I am familiar with the music, it would take several beats before I recognize it.  Thirdly, when I do recognize it, the song doesn't capture me and transport me to another land.

Well~ that was before having two hearing processors.

Now.
I want to absorb myself in music.  Soak it all in.  Have it sprinkle me from my head to my toes.  I loved Tracy Chapman before even having a cochlear implant.  Today?  I love her even more.  I had no idea that there were more than one musical instrument playing~ and, it's so amazing that they happen at a certain time so that there would be musical harmony.  There may even be a certain sound that happens within seconds after a beat~ to add that sensational touch to the music.  It's really quite amazing to me how people create music~ especially one that has so many instruments that come together as one~ not only that, how music can add mood to a song~ and that mood touches your soul.  Mood has a way of changing your very being within a blink of an eye.

I think my new favorite instrument is the talking drum~ I would have Dan listen to a song with me and wait for a particular sound to come~ and point to it and say, "That one, what is it?"  Dan had to pay close attention and explained to me that are a lot of other instruments playing at the same time and it was a bit challenging for him to figure out exactly which instrument I was hearing.  Every time the talking drum is hit, it does something to me~ just comes right in to my heart and makes it flutter an extra beat.

Amen to music!

Day 6

Zumba!
What a lively way to start a Saturday morning!
Latin music that make you shake your hips~ at a fast pace~ such a strong happy vibe.  It makes me want to dance, dance and dance some more.  In the past, I couldn't really dance with the music because I couldn't feel the vibration~ I would feel so awkward and then end up no dancing.  Now I can really hear the beat~ so many beats from different instruments~ how can you not dance?  How can you not groove with a smile?  I love hearing music~ more than ever.

Day 5

You see, I have been to Second City in Chicago twice~ and both times they were improvs.  Improvs are so much fun for me because so much of it is visual~ more visual than talking~ there's a lot of body language and they quickly get to the point.  And, as soon as someone in the audience shouts out something, anyone who is sitting next to me would quickly tell me what s/he said, and then I'm able to (well, most of the time) follow along with the show.

I love a good laugh!  I love to laugh.  I love to make people laugh.

Last night, Dan and I had a date to Denver Improv.  Eric Griffin was playing~ never heard of him.  Dan called ahead of time to see if they would reserve a table close to the front so I can read the comedian's lips.  They told us to arrive early and there would be a table for us.  Prior the the date, I was very nervous~ I was worried that, even with my two hearing processors, even though sounds are much clearer, even though I don't have to work half as hard to understand people, I still worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up or understand him.  Not only that, I was worried that I would completely miss out and that I'd want to leave.  Then, I worried about feeling extremely disappointed, to the point of feeling very isolated and I'd wallow in my own self pity.

Nope.

None of that happened!

I understood probably 85% of the show.  I laughed my heart out right along with the crowd.  There were moments when a comedian would cover his mouth to make some exaggerated noise with the microphone~ and I would miss out~ but only for a blip of a second.  If I really wanted to know what was missed, I'd just turn to Dan, who had his arms around me most of the night, and he'd immediately fill me in.  I felt very much a part of crowd~ and there was nothing for me to worry about.

Really.

It was an awesome feeling to be able to walk out of the show and be smiling right along with everyone else!

Now, I'm hooked.

I can't wait for the next comedy show!

Day 4

Today, I went to special ed transition meeting at a nearby middle school~ where we pass on information about our students who are transitioning on to middle school.  As we met with the the  middle school special education teachers, they took us to a very large library with high ceilings and we sat down at a small round table to chat about students.  Sometimes, I can keep up with the communication within a group~ but today, I just couldn't.  They were talking so fast, interrupting to make a joke in between conversations, and not always looking at me.  Many times, I do tell people that I am hard of hearing~ and there have also been times when I don't tell them~ today I didn't.  Since, I felt that I wasn't doing most of the talking and it wasn't my turn yet.  I decided that when it would be my turn, I'll take control of the talking.  And, yes, I did feel a bit left out when they started to laugh at a comment~ but I just sat there and smiled wishing that I could've heard the joke.  It can be a pretty isolating feeling~ being with a group of people within close proximity and not be able to laugh with them.

"Choose your battles.." seems to be a common suggestion when people are trying to decide about a situation~ I tend to do a "choose to tell" on deciding whether or not to tell someone about my hearing or lack thereof.  It can get exhausting to have to tell every every new person I meet that I have a hearing loss~ and it doesn't usually end there.  Often, I wish it did.  People respond in all kinds of ways: "Oh, do you sign?"  I don't.  I've always been a part of the mainstream society where communicating orally is my norm ( and the fact that I don't sign is a whole different story).  "Oh, is that why you have that deaf tone?"  I really, really, really hate that question, it makes me feel ashamed.  "Wow, that's amazing!"  What is?  That I can talk?  "Oh, my grandmother lost her hearing too..."  I'm not old.  I didn't lose my hearing, I was born without hearing and have never been hearing in my life.  Here's my all time favorite, "I had no idea!" I love it when a person clearly didn't know that I was "different". But, there have been many times when I'm glad to sit down with someone and go through the whole spiel of life as hearing impaired person.  And, it's a very long story.

Day 3

After listening to music while driving up to the mountains to go skiing, eating lunch outside with music blaring, hearing the whoosh whoosh of the slush as I ski down the mountains, stopping at a place to get a drink, picking up Elyza from soccer practice, chatting with her about her discovery about how decimals, percentages and fractions are really the same thing~ I had to unplug myself from the world as soon as I came home.  My head deflates like a balloon as soon as I remove the hearing processors.

Day 2

I usually don't put on the hearing processor until right before I head out the door to go to work.

In silence, I boiled some water for tea.  I constantly check to see if the steam has, yet, come out while I prepared for meals of the day.  Dan comes in and gently tugs on my should to let me know he wants to speak to me.  He now understands that I don't want to deal with noise at this time~ I really hold on to that silence as long as I can before going to work.  He speaks to me very clearly~ so that I can communicate with him.

Mornings are not very easy for Dan or Elyza~ they both know that I am savouring my silence~ and have to change their way of speaking (slowly and deliberately so I can read their lips)~ really, it's not even a conversation~ but rather, small talk~ short and to the point.

It's very cold outside with very wet snow that is coming down quickly.  Elyza and I run quickly to the car to prevent getting wet.  As soon as we get in the car, I'm amazed that snowflakes can be loud~ I'm hearing the ptt ptt ptt of the snow as it hits the car~ I ask Elyza to make sure if I'm hearing is correct~ and, indeed I am.  I'm a bit puzzled, because I thought snowflakes were supposed "to be falling softly down to the ground..." as we so often read in poems.

In school, first thing, we had some sort of "lock" thing going on~ you see, I was in the first grade room gathering my students.  Then all of sudden the loudspeaker went on saying something like this..."This is a lock (skip) and we need (skip) the kids (skip), please (skip) (skip) (skip) lock..."  That's what I heard, all those "skips" are words that I missed~ completely missed.  This new teacher of the classroom looked at me and says, "Is this a lock down or lock in?"  I suddenly feel a panic rising up in me because she's relying on me to give her the answer~ one is very serious and the other is not.  A lock in is when there may be a bad guy near the school and we lock the school~ but we keep on teaching.  A lock down is when there's a bad guy in the school and everyone door must be locked and we move the children away from the door.  I feel so responsible because I'm supposed to be an experienced teacher and suddenly feel the weight of responsibility because the lives of all these children seem to be in my hands~ and I don't know which lock down it is!  I quickly leave the room to find another staff nearby to find out the answer~ meanwhile, I worry that I may be putting myself in a bad position.  Anyhow, I really dread things like that. (BTW, it was a lock in, the good kind)

One more: I work with the cutest little kindergartner, one on one, who is very behind in reading and writing.  She also has some speech challenges, not very obvious, but one that takes good listening to catch it.  I was working with her on -at and -am family.  Here's a quick dialogue:
Me.  Say mad.
She: Mad
Me: tap it out with me MMM.  AAA.  D
Me: Ok, now spell it on the board.  As you spell it, say each sound of the word.
She:  MMMM (writes "M")...aaaaaa (writes A) and there's ma..
Me:  Oh, oh, you're forgetting the end sound.
She: I am?  Oh, yes, Ddddd (and she writes it).
This is a really big deal for me~ not too long ago, I probably wouldn't have heard that she missed the "d" at the end of the word.  Ma and Mad lip read exactly the same way~ so you really have to hear that she's missing the ending sound.  It's very, very cool for me :)

Day 1

I've decided that I'm going to try to make the commitment to write about my noisy world- a noisy-messy world that is for the next 365 days.  Each day is different.  Some days are easier than others.

Please forgive me ahead of time~ I will NOT proofread my blog before publishing (mostly because I lack the time to do~ and I'm writing it directly from the heart).

Here's a short, short history of my so-called "hearing."  I was born hearing impaired and wore behind the ear hearing aids for most of my life.  One day, somewhere in my early 30s, I was told that I've lost a LOT of hearing and quickly became a candidate for the cochlear implant.  I won't go into details here~ but if you're curious and want to know more about it~ check it out here: http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/pages/coch.aspx
The first surgery took place somewhere 2005 (or something like that)~ and only heard with one ear (you can read more about it in the earlier parts of this very blog).  And then 2010, I got the left ear done.  Not only was I able to hear out of two ears~ I also got a very upgraded and updated hearing processor~ so the world was not only clearer for the right ear but a helluva lot noisier with both ears.

So, Day 1

I'm on the last day of spring break.  Since I don't have to go to work~ I love not having to put on my hearing processor.  It's so nice and quiet~ well, not exactly, I hear my inner dialogue as I'm thinking.  It's still early, and it's a gray, gray morning, after a very sunny and hot day yesterday, I decided to stay in bed.  I love to look at the computer~ studying photographs, stumbling on Stumble Upon, get caught up on the latest news~ it's so quiet.  And, then Elyza comes in~ there's a slight irritation at having to communicate (and yes, I feel terribly guilty).  I give her a quick answer and then she leaves.

She's with a friend~ so for some odd reason, I hear them giggling, chatting~ it's probably more visual than the sound itself.

I have this new habit where I walk to the gas station with my dog~ with no hearing processor on~ to get coffee.  I've been bringing my cup with soymilk already in it~ and these guys for some reason never make me pay.  Anyhow, it's so quiet~ yet it's not, there's internal noise~ I can see the leaves on the trees moving, so I hear an internal wind.  I see the cars speeding by, so I hear the roar of them (or maybe am I really feeling the vibration?).  As I walk into the crowded gas station, there's a man wearing a bright orange jacket leaning on the counter looking right at me, nodding his head, "It's so cold outside today isn't it?"  I can't hear him but I'm reading his lips~ I answer, "Yes, it is..."  But, I keep my eyes on him in case he wants to say more.  He doesn't.  I'm relieved.  But, I can't help but wonder if I sound "funny"~ as some people like to remind me, while not hearing myself.  I am constantly looking around at people to make sure (yet hoping they're not) talking to me.  I don't want to seem rude~ and have been accused of being rude many times when I don't respond to people.

I went to the store~ again, without hearing processor on.  I imagine people being horrified with me for driving a car and going into a store because I chose to leave the hearing processors home.  But you see, you don't understand, it really is noisy~ so uncomfortable~ and I'm not talking to anyone (or at least I hope that I don't have to).

And, then I go to the gym.  Without the hearing processors.  I can internally hear the tv blaring, the machines whirring, people panting.

When I return to the house, I've noticed that I've got a message~ a freaking voicemail~ as much as I love my family, I really really wish they would text me instead.  It really seems to take a lot of out of me to listen to the voicemail~ sometimes I do, sometimes I don't listen to them.  I always hope that it's not an emergency.  I put on the processor~ only one~ and there's that full blast of noise~ dog walking on hardwood floor, all these other noise that happen in the house~ I can't block them out like a normal hearing person can.  So I call my mother back~ speaking and hearing on the phone with my family is not hard~ but it takes effort for me to listen.  Texting is really one of the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  Quick, painless, to the point.  It even has a nice green light that blinks anytime I get a text, e-mail or phone call.

That's all for today.  Tomorrow, it's back to the noisy grind at work :)